Hello my darlings, and welcome to part two of the cool aunt project’s Guide to Having Sex for the First Time!
So, last time we covered the pre-sex stuff; essentially, how to make the decision to have sex. In this post we’ll cover the physical stuff, and the actual dreaded dead. School is in session darlings!
You will need:
- A consenting and respectful partner.
- A good place to have sex. Beds are good, cars are not. Trust CA on this one; you definitely want your first time to be in a comfortable safe place.
- Lube (more on this later).
You will not need:
Candles, silly lingerie, ridiculously intricate sex positions (for the first time, your best bet is either him on top or you on top, but nothing super fancy), anything else you may have seen in pop culture. Keep your first time simple, there’s plenty of time to experiment later.
Now that we have covered that, on to the main event, as it were.
First: before you get to the sex part, it SUPER SUPER IMPORTANT that you discuss what kind of protection you’re going to use. If you are on the pill and both you and your partner are virgins, you can just go for it. However, if this is not the case, you MUST use a condom. No exceptions or negotiations on this one. Go to a drugstore and buy yourself a box of condoms. You don’t need anything super exciting or complicated, just basic condoms. I know they’re embarrassing to buy, but think how much more embarrassing it would be to have to tell your parents that you got pregnant. Have your partner practice putting one on when he masturbates, to make sure that he knows how it works and so he can practice when he’s not in the heat of moment. You can even help him practice putting them on one time BEFORE you have sex, so you know how the process works. (Also, if your partner whines about not wanting to use condoms, you should probably not be having sex with him).
One of the most common questions about having sex for the first time is “Will it hurt?”. This is a good question, to which unfortunately there is not one answer, because everyone’s bodies are different. If you have not previously broken your hymen by putting in a tampon or riding horses or bikes or doing something else, the answer is yes, it will probably hurt at least a little bit. I promise promise promise it’s worth it though, and I’m going to tell you some ways to make it less painful, which unfortunately the world generally doesn’t tell girls, even though they absolutely should.
Ways to make your first time less painful:
- Lube. This is possibly the most important thing you can do to make everything more fun the first time you have sex, but almost no one tells teenagers about it because society likes to pretend teenagers NEVER HAVE SEX EVER. Because you are likely to be nervous your first time, you will probably be less lubricated than you would otherwise be having other kinds of sex/fooling around. This means what when he tries to put his penis in, it will rub and even chafe, which makes your muscles tense and makes everything miserable. The solution is lube. It’s sold at pretty much every drug store, there is no age limit on buying it, is not expensive, and it makes a HUGE difference the first time you have sex. I know it can be embarrassing to buy stuff like this (see condoms, above) but it is really really worth it. Also, like talking to your partner about sex before you have it; if you’re not mature enough to do this, you should not be having sex.
- Relaxing your pelvic floor. Much of what can make your first time very painful as opposed to just a little uncomfortable is that you are not fully physically relaxed. When you’re worrying about how much breaking your hymen is going to hurt, you unconsciously clench all the muscles in your pelvic floor, which makes your vaginal opening smaller, and makes the whole process hurt way more than it should or has to. Thankfully, you have control over this one. What you need to do is practice doing this when you’re not in a sexual situation. Put your finger right at your vaginal opening or right inside it, and practice the feeling of relaxing all the muscles around it. Picture your pelvic floor (the muscles right underneath your vagina) dropping beneath your finger, and everything down there getting wider and more open. It can be a little tough at first because you’re not used to controlling those muscles consciously, but with a little practice, you’ll be able to make them relax even when you’re anxious and excited about having sex. This will really make all the difference to having sex.
- Have an orgasm first. Assuming you are not the kind of person who gets super sleepy after you come once (in which case, just have lots of foreplay), having one orgasm BEFORE sex will make you more relaxed and more comfortable. Also, lots of women don’t come from penetrative sex, especially their first time, so it’s a good way of making sure you have positive associations with the process. If you do get sleepy after you come, make sure you have an orgasm after you have the actual sex, for the same reasons. Plus, orgasms are always good.
These are the key elements to making your first time as fun as possible. Above everything else, do what makes YOU comfortable. Stop, start again, decide to do it later, change positions, do hours of foreplay, whatever. It is totally up to you, because it is your body. Have fun and be safe y’all.
If despite my excellent counsel you still have questions, feel free to leave them in the comments or message me! Have a good first time story or advice I forgot? Put it in the comments!