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On having (straight, penetrative) sex for the first time, Part 1

So, this is my first post and it is going to be a long one, because there are lots of issues to cover. Part I of the official “Cool Aunt Having Sex for the First Time Guide” will deal with whether or not you are ready to have sex. Part II will  deal with the actual physicality of having penetrative sex for the first time, including use of contraceptives and how to have to most fun and be the most comfortable! But before we even get to the part of having sex, I want to establish the following principles:

  1. Having sex is not “right” or “wrong”. It is a very individual and personal decision, and whether you decide to wait until you’re married or to become sexually active as a teenager is TOTALLY UP TO YOU. I cannot emphasize this point enough, though the caps lock helps. This means that while you should not feel pressured to have sex ever by anyone, it also means that you shouldn’t feel pressured to abstain either. This brings me to point two…
  2. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex, whether you decide to actually engage in sexual activities or not. Women are taught that we are not supposed to want sex, or that it is bad or slutty to be sexually interested/active. That right there is some serious bullshit. Sex can be awesome and fun and super healthy or it can be a bad idea. It’s all about doing right. And there is never, ever, anything wrong with having sexual feelings/urges, however you choose to express them.
  3. Sex is not just penis+vagina. That point of view is pretty much a ridiculous and antiquated concept based on just the guy’s pleasure. Sex encompasses a range of activities from touching to oral sex to penetrative sex. Penetrative sex is an important step, especially physically for a woman for the first time, but everything is not either virginity or sex.
  4. While it is not necessary to have sex with a monogamous long-term partner with whom you intend to marry and have babies, it IS important that you know the person you choose to have sex with well enough to be safe with them. This means you need to feel 100% sure they will wear protection, stop if you stay stop, and respect any and all boundaries you put in place. This means that before you have sex, you will actually have to talk to your potential partner about it. None of this “swept off your feet don’t even know how it happened” shit. Be smart. Be prepared. Be open and honest. Be safe.

Ok, so now that that’s out of the way, moving on. How do you know if you are ready to have sex? Of course I cannot answer this for you, but this should help. If the following apply to you, you may be ready:

  • You want to. This sounds silly, but it’s often ignored. And I don’t mean want to in a “he wants it and I love him” way or a “I want to be like my friends” way. I mean it in a pulse racing, knees trembling, clit throbbing wanting sex sort of way. Physically, you should feel the urge to have sex.
  • You have had an orgasm with this partner before without penetrative sex. This sounds odd, but it means that you a) are with a partner who is attentive to your needs and b) are more likely to understand that penetrative sex is not the only kind of sex. This will make you happier and also means you and your partner are sufficiently mature to be addressing both of your needs BEFORE he puts his dick in.
  • Have talked about it with your partner, and made the decision together. If you are mature enough to have sex, you are mature enough to talk about it with your partner. If you blush and freak out just TALKING about it, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. Decide on what contraceptive method to use in advance, and discuss what this will mean to both of you. Sex does not have to mean “BONDED FOREVER AND EVER TRUE LOVE” but you and your partner need to be on the same page in terms of your relationship with each other. If one of you thinks having sex means you’re in love and one of you thinks it’s a purely physical expression, you are way more likely to end up in miserable emotional situation.

If these criteria apply to you, you MAY be ready to have sex. Please note, I do not say that you necessarily are or should. On a basic level, any decision you make needs to be about how YOU feel. Do not let anyone else (friends, partners, etc) make the decision for you. You should feel comfortable with your decision and with yourself. If you are in any way unsure, there is absolutely no problem with waiting until you are comfortable (IMPORTANT: Even if you have already said you will have sex with someone, you can ALWAYS change your mind. Anyone who tries to get you to have sex with them because you “promised” isn’t worth having sex with anyway). It is your body, and you are the one who controls what you do with it.

Coming soon: Sex! Fun! Relaxing your pelvic floor! Using condoms! More fun!

Love from



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